Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Time out but .... time please


Three months since my last, real post, I am sitting down with the laptop again.
To write a post.
Or, to try to write a post.
Wondering just how far will I be able to go.
I haven't done much for the blog in the past few months.
No recipes; no photographs.
Nothing to write in.
No ... I do have a lot to write. But that will not interest any of you, I know.
It will be just an emotional catharsis for me.

Dealing with two deaths in the family, over a span of two months, that last one barely a little over a fortnight  ago, I am on an emotional roller coaster ride.

Dealing with the deaths of two of my most favourite and dearest people on this earth, I am a nervous wreck right now. My emotions swing dangerously from subdued and quiet to suddenly angry and then collapse into tears.
I feel helpless; very helpless.

The whole world I can take on. But death?
How do I deal with death?
That one omnipresent and very real thing the whole world knows of but has no idea how absolutely life changing it actually is.

I am still trying.
To cope; to accept;  to be practical.
To go through the days as if nothing has changed in this world.

Well, nothing has.
The sun still rises. We got rain for a few days last week.
People are discussing the absence of winter this year .... and global warming.
Everybody celebrated Durga puja. And Diwali.

Only time has stood still for me.
I am still at the hospital, looking at my Bapi's calm face, with disbelief.
He was sleeping; only to never wake up again.

The days before that day, and those that followed were tremendously painful.
Too many people around; too much of noise; too much of sympathy. And too many rituals.
I went through them in a daze .... turning from hopefulness to helplessness to anger to disbelief.
And sometimes completely calmly.

After three difficult months, I return.
And try to get on with life and the mundane.
But that was not to be.

Just a fortnight later, I wake up one Sunday morning to a phone call that bore the news that my eldest cousin sister, who stayed in the same city, is no more.
"Passed away in her sleep last evening."
Just like that. She wasn't even fifty.

So it was a rerun of the same story for me .... again.

Right now, I am just trying to go with this flow called life.
It is futile fighting.
Whatever it deals out to us, we have to take.
Doesn't matter how much it hurts.
Today, when I look around me, every single thing seems frivolous.
Ill will, jealousy, ego fights, clamouring to reach to the the end of future .... everything seems so unreal.
So unnecessary.

I want to thank all of you who left lines in my last post, giving me courage and sharing my pain.
And all those who remembered me, missed me and wrote to me on FB and mail, thank you.
All your warm lines have given me a lot of strength.

My blog has been riddled with so many breaks that it is really a wonder to see you all come back to check on me every now and again.
And a relief too.
Thank you so much for being there.

Just give me some more time, please.
Thank you.
God bless.